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Heaven now has ‘Traditional’ and ‘Contemporary’ Worship Services

Heaven announced in 2018 it will now hold a Traditional and Contemporary worship service.

THE THIRD HEAVEN – In keeping up with the times, heaven announced a change to the heavenly liturgy today.

"From henceforth, there will be two worship services. At 9am a traditional service for everyone that lived before the 20th century. Then at 10:45am, there will be a contemporary service for anyone born after 2,000 AD", the angel confirmed.

"There will be dazzling lights, fog machines, and plenty of people in tight fitting jeans. You can count on hearing secular songs, and every now and then the lyrics will be changed to sound Christian, but not always."

Heaven still hasn’t made a decision yet on whether they will live stream the contemporary worship service to earth, seeing God has already shown us how to worship him in the law of Moses and the book of Revelation.

Lifestyle

The Over-Qualifying Christian – Episode 1 – “I’m Good”

A female friend of Johnny asks how he is doing. Johnny cannot resist the opportunity to inject all kinds of over-qualifying statements to make sure he is still theologically sound in his response, “I’m good.”

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Lifestyle

“Everything is Awesome” Declared to be the Theme Song of Heaven

HEAVEN – Lego movie theme song “Everything is Awesome” declared to be the theme song of heaven.

An angel reported that around the great throne of God the Cherubim and Seraphim, together with all the saints sing:

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when your part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you’re living out a dream

Everything is better when we stick together
Some have said you and I are gonna win forever?
Lets party forever
We’re the same unlike you, you’re like me we’re all working in harmony

Everything is awesome, everything is cool when your part of a team
Everything is awesome, when you’re living out a dream

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Evangelism

Calvinist Gives Up Criticizing Lent for Lent

ARIZONA – Calvinist and Facebook theology debater John Stone decided to give up criticizing lent for lent this year.

“I decided to do something I normally don’t do, shut up for once,” John said. “Normally on Ash Wednesday, which is obviously a pagan Roman superstition, that even some liberal protestants keep, I call out how wrong it is to celebrate Lent, and particularly get ashes on your forehead.”

“But nobody really cared about my criticisms and my complaints haven’t changed a thing, so I decided to give up criticizing those that have decided to pray and fast this lenten season.”

John did state clearly that after Easter, he will go back to criticizing other Christians that don’t look exactly like him, which is his standard operating procedure.

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