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“In Heaven You Can Eat As Much Ice Cream With Magic Shell As You Want”, Pastor Says

JACKSONVILLE, FL – A pastor tells his congregation, “In heaven, you can eat as much ice cream with magic shell as you want.”

JACKSONVILLE, FLORIDA – A pastor of an Independent, Fundamental, Bible Believing, KJV Only, Conservative, Hell Fire and Brimstone Preaching, Pretrib-Rapture, Premillennial, Adjective smitten, Baptist Church told his congregation, "In heaven, you can eat as much ice cream with magic shell as you want – and it’s okay."

"In heaven, we can eat as much ice cream as we want – and not even gain a pound, AMEN!", the pastor said.

The congregation responded with shouts of "amen" and "glory" exhibiting extreme jubilation at this good news not found in scripture.

"Up in heaven, we can eat plates of fried chicken, corn bread, ice cream, steak – whatever you want and as much as you want", the pastor continued.

The congregation was glad to hear that gluttony was no longer a sin in heaven.

"Preach it!", men and women cried out.

And the end of the sermon, there was an altar call where the Pastor said, "Would you also like to join us at the marriage supper of the Lamb and pig out together? Just say this prayer…"

Evangelism

‘Answers in Genesis’ Finds Answers Outside the Book of Genesis

KENTUCKY – Young Earth Creationist Ministry ‘Answers in Genesis’ find more answers to life’s questions outside the book of Genesis.

If you visit the ‘Answers’ page on their website, you will find scores and scores of articles with answers to questions – but those answers come most of the time outside the book of Genesis.

We reached out to Ken Ham for a comment, “Even though our ministry is called ‘Answers in Genesis’, most of our answers come from other places other than the book of Genesis.” Ken continued, “This is pretty funny when you think about it, but not as funny as believing in evolution or the gap theory or disagreeing with my reading of Genesis.”

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Ministry

KJV Onlyist Learns His Grandfather is Older than His Theological Tradition

SOUTH CAROLINA – Independent Baptist and person who self-identifies as a man of God John Mark recently discovered that his theological tradition of King James Onlyism isn’t older than his grandfather.

“We need to go back to that old time religion and the old faith and the old paths”, John Mark would say. But “old” apparently only means going back to the mid-20th century where King James Onlyism has its origin.

“That doesn’t bother me a bit”, John Mark said. “If the King James Bible was good enough for Paul, it’s good enough for me. I don’t care if King James Onlyism is an American only, Fundamentalist only, belief system. It is obviously true because I believe it.”

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Ministry

Woman Awake and Lively During Worship, Falls Asleep During Sermon

SAINT AUGUSTINE, FL – Woman who was singing and praising God during the worship band’s performance moments later suddenly falls asleep five minutes into the Pastor’s sermon.

While visiting a local Southern Baptist Church, the youth worship band was leading in the normal worship service – so it was very lively. My family and I sat in the second row from the front next to a woman. She was all into the worship experience, hands raised, arms stretched out and all. You would think she got a good nights sleep before. Then suddenly, when the rock-n-roll concert ended, and the pastor stepped onto the stage to preach a sermon, the woman pulled her sweatshirt up towards her face, closed her eyes, and within minutes started snoring.

She slept through the whole sermon. Granted, the auditorium was dimly light with all lights focused on the man of God, but still, she fell asleep. But it looks like only me and my wife noticed.

As soon as the sermon was over, the drums started and an altar call was issued, and the woman woke up.

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